Have you ever found yourself staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m., replaying a choice you made years ago, wondering how life might look if you’d just taken the other road?
Regret is one of the most human of emotions. Whether it’s about a career move you didn’t make, words you wish you hadn’t said, or a relationship you let slip away, the weight of regret can feel crushing. But here’s the truth most self-help blogs miss: regret isn’t something to erase. It’s something to understand, process, and transform.
I’ve worked with dozens of individuals as a cognitive behavioural therapy assistant and freelance mental health researcher, helping people untangle the knots of the past. This isn’t just another listicle telling you to “think positive” or “move on.” This is a deep dive into what regret really is and how to work with it, not against it.
What Is Regret, Really?
At its core, regret is a cognitive emotion. It’s a mix of sadness, disappointment, guilt, and often shame—tied to the belief that a different decision could’ve led to a better outcome. According to a 2017 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, regret is not just about what we did—it’s even more commonly about what we didn’t do.
Dr. Neal Roese, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, puts it simply: “Regret is the emotion we feel when we look back and realise we could’ve done better.” But instead of being destructive, regret can actually be constructive, if we handle it right.
Why Regret Hurts So Much
It’s not just emotional—it’s biological. Neuroscience shows that regret activates the brain’s reward and decision-making centres, particularly the orbitofrontal cortex. This area lights up when we evaluate what might have been.
I remember one client who deeply regretted not attending university. For years, it haunted her—until she realised it wasn’t the missed degree itself, but the belief that she’d “never be good enough” because of it. Regret often masks deeper insecurities.
Step 1: Name the Regret Without Judgement
The first step in processing regret is to acknowledge it. Write it down. Say it aloud. Tell a friend. Avoid burying it under toxic positivity.
Example:
“I regret staying in a job I hated for five years.”
Say it. But don’t follow it with, “I was so stupid.” Instead, try:
“At the time, I didn’t feel I had other options. I did what I could with what I knew.”
Pro tip: Label your emotion, not your identity. “I feel regretful” is healthier than “I am a failure.”
Step 2: Unpack the Lesson Beneath the Regret
According to a 2020 review in Frontiers in Psychology, reflecting on past decisions helps build future-oriented thinking. Instead of staying stuck in the past, ask: What can this teach me?
I often do this exercise myself:
- What was my mindset at the time?
- What were the constraints or pressures I was facing?
- What do I know now that I didn’t then?
Once, I regretted turning down a freelance opportunity in 2021 that later became massive. I thought I lacked the skill. Looking back, I realised it was imposter syndrome, not incompetence, that held me back. That lesson? Trust your current self more than your fears.
Step 3: Make Amends—If You Can
Sometimes regret stems from hurting someone else. If the situation allows, apologise or reach out. Not for redemption—but for release.
Psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, author of Emotional First Aid, recommends “emotional closure through action.” Even a letter you don’t send can help externalise the regret.
Example: Write a letter to your former self or the person you hurt, explaining what you wish you’d done differently and what you’ve learnt since.
Step 4: Use Regret as a Compass, Not a Cage
Regret isn’t just feedback on the past—it’s a guide for the future. If you regret not speaking up, commit to being more assertive. If you regret neglecting your health, build one new habit this week.
I now treat regret as data. It’s my emotional analytics dashboard. Every pang of “what if” is a prompt to examine what I truly value.
Real-world insight: A 2022 Harvard Business Review article found that professionals who constructively reflect on past regrets are more adaptive, resilient, and successful long-term.
Step 5: Replace Rumination with Action
Rumination keeps regret alive. Reflection turns it into wisdom. When you catch yourself looping, try:
- Journaling 5 minutes a day on “what I did right today.”
- Talking to a therapist or coach
- Creating a tiny action plan based on your regret (e.g., start that class, send that email)
One of my readers emailed me last year saying:
“Your advice helped me turn my ‘lost time’ into a passion project. I started writing poetry again—something I gave up 15 years ago. It’s not too late.”
FAQs
What if my regret is about something irreversible?
Accepting finality doesn’t mean approving the outcome. It means learning to co-exist with it without letting it define you. Grief and regret often overlap.
Can regret ever be helpful?
Yes—if processed well. It helps identify misalignments between your values and actions.
How long does it take to get over regret?
There’s no fixed timeline. It depends on the depth of the regret and the support system you have. Don’t rush it.
Are there any therapies that help?
Yes, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) are particularly useful in reframing and integrating regret.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone in This
Every person you admire has regrets. But they’ve learnt to repurpose that pain. So can you.
Instead of asking, “Why did I do that?”—try asking, “Who am I becoming because of this?”
Your past can be a prison or a foundation. The choice is yours.
Join the conversation: What’s a regret that taught you something unexpected? Share your story in the comments—or message me privately. Let’s grow through it, together.
Written by Answer It Up | Human-first advice. Always.
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